1Samuel 18:20-28
Rekindling A Loveless Marriage
Last week, I started what I want to be a series of messages on marriage.
1. I want to preach this message in the morning service, even though that is
typically a service in which we are reaching out to the unsaved. Why?
Because those attend on Sunday mornings have marriage problems too.
2. I mentioned one of the reasons I, and some pastors in general, do not
preach on marriage is because there is no single location to go to for
help. Yet, the Bible does offer help. What we find is that the same
things that make for a good Christian, a good church member, and good
person, make for a good marriage. So we must look not in a single book
of the Bible, but through out the whole Bible for information.
I started the series that took us all the way back to the basics of marriage,
entitled Making A Marriage. In that message, I mentioned some things we must
have to make a marriage, things such as…
1. The Right Desire
2. Dedication (to each other and to God)
3. Determination (to finish the marriage as God would have it be finished)
This morning, let go to the post marriage days. What do you do to Rekindle A
Loveless Marriage?
\\#1Samuel 18:20-28\\
Let’s read the story of a dying marriage. It starts out romantic enough. Michal,
King Saul’s daughter loves David. David wants to marry Michal; however, being
a working man’s son, he doesn’t have the dowry worthy of a king’s daughter. So
Saul, for reasons of his own, makes David an offer, "Bring me 100 foreskins of
my enemy." David figures that he can do that and better. So David goes out and
kills 200 of King Saul’s enemy for a dowry.
They say women like men to fight over them. If that is so, this woman should have
been thrilled with David. He fought 200 men and killed them all just to marry
this woman.
There love was a true love, not only with David risking his life to win Michal,
but with Michal risking her life to save her husband.
\\#1Samuel 19:11-18A\\
King Saul became jealous of David decided to kill him. David was a trusting soul,
but Michal saw the danger and even helped David to escape. Now, lest you think
she did this knowing her father, the king, would not hurt her; you should read the
whole story, for Saul hurled a javelin at his own son, the heir to the throne, to
kill him for helping David \\#1Sam 20:32-33\\!
But after David escaped, time passed. I am not certain how long, but weeks became
months and months became years. To hurt David more, during that time, Saul gave
Michal to another man to wife \\#1Sam 25:44\\. And, apparently, eventually,
Michal’s love for David died and she began to love her new husband. They built a
home together, made a life together, were going to grow old together.
Eventually Saul died, David became king and reclaimed his former wife, but she
never loved David again. Alas, there is no happy ending to this story. This is
one last reference to this broken marriage.
\\#2Sam 6:16, 20-23\\
This marriage had a lot against it, even the work of monarch, but the sad reality
is that many couples, even Christian couples, are living with a loveless marriage,
a dysfunctional, unpleasant, unhappy marriage.
Can anything be done to rekindle it? I believe it can.
I. Understand that the only thing you can change is you.
A. One of the most important steps in being happy is understanding that as
much as you might like to change someone else, you cannot.
1. That is a power that God has never given to any person.
2. In one manner of speaking, it is a power that not even God uses.
B. Perhaps the reason God has not given US this power is because if we
could change another, we always would.
1. As easily as we can see the problems with others, we seldom see
the problem with ourselves.
2. It is the old splinter and beam syndrome.
Mt 7:3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but
considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
3. If we had power to change others, we would end up making them the
fall guy in every situation.
C. And then, even when the fault is not ours, if we could change the other
person, we would never grow from the power of suffering.
1. When we are forced to live in unpleasant circumstances, we grow in
forgiveness, mercy, kindness, longsuffering.
2. Lessons that are only learned in difficult situations would never
be learned if we could end the circumstances.
3. One of the points I try to make in having to endure bad things is,
You are going to have to endure them anyway. Why not let God use
them to make you a more Christ-like person?"
a. Don’t waste these opportunities.
b. God wants to use them to grow you and if that is God’s will, He
isn’t going to quit.
c. Resist growing in this bad situation and you are simply forcing
God to bring another one upon you.
D. So instead of trying to change our mate, we must understand the power
and peace that comes by changing ourselves.
1. There is a power that comes by yielding to God, and we must have
faith in God that He will unleash it.
2. At the same time, we must be willing to use any suffering we endure
to grow us into the kind of Christian that God wants us to be.
II. So what kind of changes might we make in ourselves?
A. The most important area for us to concentrate on are those things
mentioned in the Bible.
1. I don’t have time to give a complete list of Scriptural areas in
which we might need to grow (if such a list were possible).
2. Let me just mentioned a few precepts and principals from the Bible
that might be areas for you to grow.
a. You might grow in love.
(1) \\#1Cor 13:1-13\\ would be the source reading for this
change.
(2) Who does not need to learn better what love means and how
to do it?
(3) The art of putting Christ first, your mate second, and
yourself last is a difficult skill to even practice, let
along master.
b. You might become more trusting and/or trustworthy.
(1) Living things die when squeezed too hard and nothing
squeezes the life out of romance quicker than jealousy
and mistrust.
(2) By the same token, we must also be trustworthy.
(a) One who gives their mate cause for doubt is a home
wrecker and a fool.
(b) Yet some, by flirting and open lusting over others
are doing just that.
c. You might be more forgiving.
(1) Living in yesterday’s mistakes will rob your todays and
kill your tomorrows.
(2) By God’s grace, you can forgive the mistakes your mate has
made and build a wonderful marriage.
d. You might be more kind.
(1) The home should be a place of manners, courtesy, and
kindness.
(2) Show respect in the way you speak, in the way you act,
even in your attitude.
e. You might be more thrifty.
(1) Spending too much and having debt cause stress and short
tempers.
(2) While things have gotten better in the US in the past few
years, it has been mainly due to the economic worries.
(3) We must learn to live within our means.
f. You might become more tolerant. Marriage partners simply cannot
nit-pick.
B. Let’s break some of these characteristics down into a practical
application.
1. Of course, there are no simple, quick solutions.
a. Healing a marriage, growing in Christ, rekindling a lost love—
these are all things that normally take time and effort.
b. That fact is why you are going to need faith in God.
2. Start by praying and asking God to restore the love of your
marriage and to help you to grow.
3. Talk to your mate about things again.
4. Find things in common again. (i.e. TV programs, hobbies, go places
together, get down the board games and play them)
5. Show kindness and consideration.
a. Do things for your mate.
(1) Husband, do things around the house, purchase gifts, ask
her about things that are important to her.
(2) Wives, smile at your husband, show an interest in HIM not
the just HIS house or HIS kids or HIS clothes, brag on
him.
b. Plan things to do - Eat out, take a trip, spend an off day
working on a project together or go for a walk, a bike ride,
a picnic.
c. Dress up for each other. (Men, at least button your pants!)
d. Sit beside each other.
e. Hold hands.
f. Look for things to compliment.
6. Start saying, "I love you."
7. In short, love your mate and see what happens.
8 It worked once. It ought to work again.
III. How does my changing help rekindle love in my loveless marriage? Three
ways.
A. Doing things God’s way increases your faith.
1. Every exercise in obedience to God increases your faith in God.
2. To rekindle love in a loveless marriage, you are going to need God.
a. I have already explained, we cannot change our mates. If they
are wrong, harping on it will likely only make matters worse.
b. Most of the time, unless they have a experience with God
(lost getting saved, saved getting truly revived), they are
not going to change themselves.
d. So what is left? GOD!
3. By trying to rekindle love God’s way, you can faith that God is
going to help.
B. Doing things God’s way gives peace.
1. Rekindling love in a marriage is not going to be easy.
2. It took time to kill love. It will take time to revive it.
3. During that time, you are going to be patient and walk in God’s
peace.
4. Those who do things God’s way have peace.
Ps 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the
abundance of peace.
Ps 37:37 Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright: for the end of that man is
peace.
C. Doing things God’s way unleashes God’s power.
1Peter 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any
obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of
the wives;
2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God,
adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long
as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
1. I know this is not some ladies’ favorite passage; however, there is
a truth in it that you need to see.
2. Forget submission, forget calling your husband lord—not that these
are bad things—but just concentrate on the getting the truth.
3. \\#1\\ Peter alludes to Sarah’s situation with her husband and
describes her conversation (lifestyle).
a. Sarah submitted, obviously to the int degree if she called him
lord.
b. In other words, instead of trying to change Abraham, she
changed herself.
c. But she did it with a purpose.
d. She did it that even without the use of the WORD, her husband
might be WON by her LIFESTYLE.
4. Implied in this verse is that Sarah was obeying God, changing
herself, submitting to her husband with the faith that God
would honor her and move to do a work in her husband’s life.
a. I say again, we have to have God!
b. If God won’t step in and do something, things will never get
better.
c. Sarah had a husband who was apparently willing to let her get
taken by another man for a wife, yet she trusted in God to
change him.
d. All we are asking for is a rekindling of love in our marriage!
e. So we obey God, use our suffering to grow in His grace, and
have faith in God that He will honor our obedience.
(1) In addition to obeying God, we pray and seek the prayers
of a very few close others.
(2) This makes God’s intervention not only a matter of faith
and obedience but of prayer.
(3) These three Christian attributes have the promises of all
the power of God.
f. Knowing that God has created marriage and that God wants it to
succeed, we can have confidence that God is going to give our
marriage the spark of love that it needs!
Here is a summary of what it will take to rekindle love in a loveless marriage.
1. Faith
2. Obedience to do things God’s way.
3. Which means, a willingness to let God change you.
4. Personal prayer.
5. The prayers of a few good Christians.
6. Patience (God’s peace)
I opened by reading of David’s loveless marriage. As much as I love King David,
David was a failure in the home. He failed in marriage and he failed with his
children. David had courage and strength enough to conquer Israel’s enemies but
not to make a good home. What about you?
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